I've been on trail for 6 days, off for 3. Intense knee pain began on day one, but I kept going for 110 more miles. As it turns out, limping and sobbing down trail isn't really a good look for me, so I decided to take a few days off to rest. With the advice of physical therapists and athlete friends, I'll be rejoining my trail family tomorrow to give it another go.
I'll admit to you though, I didn't even think I'd make it this far. Outside of the physical pain that was its own hell, the first few days had my mind on a downward spiral into the flames. The first day, following a hectic morning, I said goodbye to my dad and started speed walking towards the Canadian border. A few steps down the trail, after convincing Roo not to follow me, my heart was already breaking. The desire to get to Mexico left me completely; all I could think, all day long, was how badly I didn't want to be on the PCT. I chose my camp for the night, set up my tent, and burst into tears. I was all alone, with at least a night's sleep between me and the next miles that would be my distraction. Several hikers rolled into camp shortly after, and although I enjoyed their company, my mood didn't improve. I packed up the next morning and with no emotion, touched the Canadian border that afternoon. The third day would lead me back to Hart's Pass, where I desperately wished to see my dad and dog waiting for me. They weren't.
Luckily, a few other hikers were there, so I latched on to a partner and told myself I'd give it another couple of days. Although the knee pain continued to worsen, my spirits began to lift. Now, even though I am skipping a section to rest, I have more than my own thoughts to look forward to when I get back to the trail.
It's hard to be vulnerable when you are giving a first impression to several people a day. I tried to talk to a few other hikers about the way I was feeling; to be as candid as possible in a desperate attempt at some peace of mind. What I got in return was so very unpleasant. I never could put my finger on an explanation of how I was feeling, but it didn't matter. Every single hiker I confided in said the same thing: "I know it's hard, but just keep going!!", "You're going to love it, I promise!!", "It gets better!!". Although this advice is positive, and more than likely correct, I felt so annoyed. No one was listening to me. No one said "It's ok to stop whenever you want; it's ok not to like thru hiking; it's ok, it's OK". So, for those of you reading who may be feeling this way, I want to tell you:
Being part of the thru hiking community comes with so much pressure to actually complete your thru hike, but there are no rules, and there is no point if you are miserable. I'm sure there will be more unpleasant days ahead, but in one short week I've already learned to be true to myself, not to the trail.
It's ok to get off trail at any time, for any reason.
Being part of the thru hiking community comes with so much pressure to actually complete your thru hike, but there are no rules, and there is no point if you are miserable. I'm sure there will be more unpleasant days ahead, but in one short week I've already learned to be true to myself, not to the trail.
With that, onward I go, for now.
