A few days after an incredible vacation exploring several National Parks in the west with my friends, my Toyota Camry decided to take it's final breath. Horror. Suddenly Minnesota felt an unattainable world away from what I needed most- my dad. I had never purchased my own car before, which was the only solution I could see to the problem I now faced. Alone. I called my dad repeatedly, sent him links to every vehicle I looked at, even had him on the phone with the salesman at the dealership. Leave it to the real world to make a full grown adult feel like a child.
After taking out a loan and bringing home the Subaru of my dreams, it hit me. Oh, shit. I owe my credit union eight thousand dollars. In reality, not that much money. On the corps stipend of just over $6.00/hr, double or triple the impact of that debt. "Ok, Anna, pull it together, get yourself a second job".
So, I did. And a third job. I worked 10, 12, 14 hour days, 7 days a week. I stopped going to crossfit, stopped going out with my friends. I thought I had it all under control, until one afternoon I decided to take Roo to the park with a friend and his dog. We walked until well after dark, exploring rocks and inlets along the Mississippi river. Bored with our shenanigans, the dogs ran off into the woods. When we called for them, only one came back- and it wasn't Roo. Horror. Again. Blue heelers are endearingly referred to as "velcro dogs", known for never leaving their owner's side, and Roo is the embodiment of this expression. Where was my dog? My search finally ended in her painful emergence from the woods, holding up an all-too-obviously broken leg.
Before
I wasn't prepared for what the Vet at the emergency hospital was about to say. With both bones in her front leg completely broken and displaced, surgery would be the best option. Surgery. Best case scenario: $3,000 and eight weeks of bed rest. So, that's what we did. We had no choice.
Meanwhile, work with the Conservation Corps was defeating me. Intense physical labor and nominal pay, lacking the satisfaction it brought earlier in the year. Each day it was a struggle to care. Finally, after months of anticipation to join the "real world" again, the end came. A retreat, a party, a hangover, and.....now what? Here I am, world! I have amazing new skills and knowledge! You know you want to hire me!
Not.
Winter isn't hiring season in the field of natural resources. I left the corps feeling disappointed, useless, bored and broke.
I am not telling you this for your money, your advice or your pity; save it. I am telling you this as it speaks to my state of mind, which I can only describe as apathetic. A difficult feeling to understand, especially while experiencing it, as it is the lack of feeling at all. My bank account has suffered, friendships and romantic relationships have failed. I only emerge from the shell my mind has created to do the minimum necessary- go to work, eat food, walk dog, smile halfheartedly. Then, I go back inside to contemplate the proverbial questions 'who am I', 'what is life', and 'who cares'.
It is not sadness, despair, or depression. I envision a bright, successful future for myself and plan on attaining it. The only problem is, that future is being made by an Anna who is outgoing, constructive, positive, and comfortable (she also has great hair and a nice ass). Getting from now-Anna to future-Anna is the challenging part, when everything in between feels like filler. Now is boring, now is unproductive, now is not what I want.
During the car fiasco, my dad said something to me that stuck. Everything that has happened to me is a consequence of my choices. I couldn't believe he was being so mean- how could it be my fault that my car broke down and I had no money for a new one! How could that be?!?! But- he was right. I chose to take a job that paid next to nothing, and I chose to buy a new car instead of coming up with a different solution. My choices don't determine what happens to me, but they do determine how well I am equipped to handle it. I don't always make the 'right' choice. In fact, I often knowingly make the 'wrong' choice (because, tbh, life is more fun that way).
Until the majority of my choices are 'right', I feel I may be stuck here in neutral. Feeling, not feeling, or not feeling any feelings, whatever.
This obligatory attempt at expression is to help myself, my friends, my family, and my followers understand what has kept me away from blogging for so long.
This is where I am.
