Functional Movements

Sitting still is not my forte. I’m not sure if I run away from my fears or just can’t get to the next adventure fast enough…either way, I should've figured it out a long time ago. I’m a mover.

Coast to Coast

I write this from a rainy beach campground near Cape Cod, Massachusetts. A month ago, I was in Arizona. Before that, I lived in the California Cascades. My car is my home and my vessel- I pay rent in gas and oil changes, I sleep uncomfortably close to my few belongings, I wake up to a new view almost every day, and I love my life on the road.

This is quite the change from where I was a year ago, at the beginning of a financial and emotional tailspin. I’m happy to say it didn’t last long. The day after my last post in January, I packed my shit and moved back to my parent’s. My heart was breaking in Minneapolis, and I just needed somewhere safe to take a breath. In February, I packed up yet again and hit the road for Colorado, Nevada, Oregon. 

The reason I left this time was for my dream job, which quickly became my worst nightmare. Working with Find It Detection Dogs involved a lot of hiking, a bit of running, and some occasional tripping. It was not supposed to involve a shoulder dislocation, but it did- my third one. Horrendous, excruciating, crippling pain I wouldn’t even wish upon Donald Trump himself. The news that followed was almost as painful: my right shoulder was toast. Burnt toast. Surgery was the only option my lifestyle allowed for, so I flew back to Michigan and straight into my mother’s open arms. It was a new low I had never experienced before. 

Adaptation

I managed to keep my head up through the pain and the prognosis, and somehow I landed another job (what?!). The vibes were on my side and, to be honest, it was terrifying. I ended up in beautiful northern California, working with Spotted Owls and recovering from the blows of the previous months.

Recover I did! Holy hell. What an amazing summer. Roo and I lived in our tent by the river, hanging out in the sun all day and chasing owls at night. I made ridiculously cool friends, road tripped to places I never thought I’d see, and even met a handsome man to share my adventures with. 

I adapted. What choice did I have? I couldn’t just sit around and wait for my life to heal itself. I learned to keep my backpack straps tight, take strategic steps through the woods, and ask for help when I needed it. I taught myself to be vulnerable, logical, and selfish. I loved myself.

Preparation

Being actively on the move means each day is spent preparing for the next one to arrive. It’s a fast paced way of living, but keeps you in check so you never miss a moment. These days, my focus is shifting to prepare for the most solid goal I have ever set for myself: in 2017, I will thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail.

I made my decision to hike the trail in 2014, but had never been to the west coast. Until this year, it seemed unrealistically far away. As luck (or fate, or odds) would have it, Chester CA is the first town after the midway point on the PCT.  I was able to work, play, and become immersed in hiker culture. I met my boyfriend and on weekends, I followed him up the trail as he walked what felt like my future. I was, and am, beyond inspired. I am affirmed. 

Schedule, timeline, gear, food, money, patience, and persistence. They are all things I will need for this hike, and the next 5 months will be spent largely in preparation for it. I will not be held back by heartbreak or hardship anymore. I will move my feet, one after the other, on every inch of that trail and through every moment of this life. 

Deep, dark and dirty

A 2005 Subaru Legacy Wagon isn't cheap. I know this because in July of 2015, I bought one.
A few days after an incredible vacation exploring several National Parks in the west with my friends, my Toyota Camry decided to take it's final breath. Horror. Suddenly Minnesota felt an unattainable world away from what I needed most- my dad. I had never purchased my own car before, which was the only solution I could see to the problem I now faced. Alone. I called my dad repeatedly, sent him links to every vehicle I looked at, even had him on the phone with the salesman at the dealership. Leave it to the real world to make a full grown adult feel like a child.

                                         New car dance with my saleswoman, Emma

After taking out a loan and bringing home the Subaru of my dreams, it hit me. Oh, shit. I owe my credit union eight thousand dollars. In reality, not that much money. On the corps stipend of just over $6.00/hr, double or triple the impact of that debt. "Ok, Anna, pull it together, get yourself a second job".

So, I did. And a third job. I worked 10, 12, 14 hour days, 7 days a week. I stopped going to crossfit, stopped going out with my friends. I thought I had it all under control, until one afternoon I decided to take Roo to the park with a friend and his dog. We walked until well after dark, exploring rocks and inlets along the Mississippi river. Bored with our shenanigans, the dogs ran off into the woods. When we called for them, only one came back- and it wasn't Roo. Horror. Again. Blue heelers are endearingly referred to as "velcro dogs", known for never leaving their owner's side, and Roo is the embodiment of this expression. Where was my dog? My search  finally ended in her painful emergence from the woods, holding up an all-too-obviously broken leg.

Before

                                                                          After


I wasn't prepared for what the Vet at the emergency hospital was about to say. With both bones in her front leg completely broken and displaced, surgery would be the best option. Surgery. Best case scenario: $3,000 and eight weeks of bed rest. So, that's what we did. We had no choice.

Meanwhile, work with the Conservation Corps was defeating me. Intense physical labor and nominal pay, lacking the satisfaction it brought earlier in the year. Each day it was a struggle to care. Finally, after months of anticipation to join the "real world" again, the end came. A retreat, a party, a hangover, and.....now what? Here I am, world! I have amazing new skills and knowledge! You know you want to hire me!
Not. 
Winter isn't hiring season in the field of natural resources. I left the corps feeling disappointed, useless, bored and broke.

I am not telling you this for your money, your advice or your pity; save it. I am telling you this as it speaks to my state of mind, which I can only describe as apathetic. A difficult feeling to understand, especially while experiencing it, as it is the lack of feeling at all. My bank account has suffered, friendships and romantic relationships have failed. I only emerge from the shell my mind has created to do the minimum necessary- go to work, eat food, walk dog, smile halfheartedly. Then, I go back inside to contemplate the proverbial questions 'who am I', 'what is life', and 'who cares'. 

It is not sadness, despair, or depression. I envision a bright, successful future for myself and plan on attaining it. The only problem is, that future is being made by an Anna who is outgoing, constructive, positive, and comfortable (she also has great hair and a nice ass). Getting from now-Anna to future-Anna is the challenging part, when everything in between feels like filler. Now is boring, now is unproductive, now is not what I want.

During the car fiasco, my dad said something to me that stuck. Everything that has happened to me is a consequence of my choices. I couldn't believe he was being so mean- how could it be my fault that my car broke down and I had no money for a new one! How could that be?!?! But- he was right. I chose to take a job that paid next to nothing, and I chose to buy a new car instead of coming up with a different solution. My choices don't determine what happens to me, but they do determine how well I am equipped to handle it. I don't always make the 'right' choice. In fact, I often knowingly make the 'wrong' choice (because, tbh, life is more fun that way).
Until the majority of my choices are 'right', I feel I may be stuck here in neutral. Feeling, not feeling, or not feeling any feelings, whatever.

This obligatory attempt at expression is to help myself, my friends, my family, and my followers understand what has kept me away from blogging for so long.

This is where I am.